Bittersweet Feelings
by Saki Toyo
Summary: Ryuichi's going to America, and Shuichi is  reluctantly  willing to let him go. But things happen, and now our pink-haired star is having second thoughts. Ryu/Shu, oneshot.


MEETING 1

"You passed, Shuichi."

Ryuichi Sakuma and Shuichi Shindou stood in the NG building's lobby. The sun had set, and the building had been empty for quite a bit. The tension in the large room grew thicker and thicker with each passing second, as the two celebrated singers faced each other.

Any hint of either of their innocent, childlike natures had disappeared, replaced with the serious expressions of an age-battered adult.

"W-what?" The pink-haired star barely managed to rasp out the question.

Ryuichi didn't answer, nor did he move. The open silence that followed made the scene even more awkward, and Shuichi, not knowing what to do, shifted from one foot to another. The fact that his idol's face wore a stone-cold frown instead of the usual lax, cheerful smile terrified him. He remembered the first time he heard the Nittle Grasper front man sing in real life; how awed he was, how the fear that he would never be as good as the star enveloped him. And now, he was feeling the same way.

His head snapped up when the brown-haired singer spoke. All the doubts swirling around in his head instantly stopped as soon as he heard the words that shook his world.

"I'm going to America."

And for Shuichi, right then, it seemed like the world had stopped turning.

Hiro sighed, and asked for what seemed like the twentieth time:

"So tell me again why it's a bad thing?"

Shuichi, sitting on the floor of Hiro's apartment, pouted. He had never actually given a valid answer, but Hiro suspected that it was just because he would miss the brown-haired star.

"He just can't go!"

Exasperated, the guitarist sat down on his bed. He loved Shuichi – they were best friends, after all – but sometimes the pink-haired bundle of energy was just too much for him to handle.

"Well, do you even know _why_ he's going to America?"

The empty silence that followed told Hiro "_No,_ he had absolutely no idea". He picked up his guitar and plucked a few strings, mentally sighing at Shuichi's simple-mindedness. Said singer wore a confused expression, most likely doing his best to figure out the reason why. And it looked like he wasn't succeeding.

"Erm…what do you think, Hiro?"

"Why not just let him go? Wouldn't that be better for Bad Luck? If Nittle Grasper is breaking up again, then our main competition is gone."

Shuichi's confused expression turned to hurt.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sighing, the red-haired musician responded. "Never mind, Shu. Come on, it's time to go to sleep."

"But, Hiro!" He kept complaining even as he climbed under the covers, but eventually stopped and fell asleep. "Just you watch, I'll make sure Sakuma-san stays in Japan!"

"Sweet dreams, Shu."

Hiro watched his best friend's chest rise up and down, making sure that he was asleep before climbing into his own futon. He looked at Shuichi one more time, then closed his eyes.

MEETING 2

"Sakuma-san!"

Shuichi dashed through the NG office's hallways, headed straight for the Nittle Grasper front man. Reaching his destination, he stopped abruptly and bowed down, panting.

"Ne, Shu-chan? What is it?"

Ryuichi had also regained his childish composition and was once again toting around Kumagoro. His innocent eyes met Shuichi's searching pink ones.

"Why…hah…are you going…hah…to America?"

For a minute, Ryuichi imagined the adorable pink-haired singer sprawled out on his bed, panting just like he was now… And his pants got tighter. But he hid that, continuing in his childish manner.

"U-uh, oh! Well, y'see, you managed to produce all five songs before I did, so you won. And…um…that was the test…and you passed." For a second, Ryuichi's serious expression flashed across his face. "I know you'll be able to match, even _surpass_, Nittle Grasper now. I can leave Japan without any worries."

Shuichi blinked.

"Congratulations, Shu-chan!" Ryuichi's childish demeanor returned.

Shuichi blinked again.

"Ne, Shu-chan? Are you okay?"

Shuichi blinked yet again.

"Oh! Um, yeah."

"Good! Okay, so see you later, Shu-chan!"

"O-okay…" Still in a daze, Shuichi waved goodbye to the brown-haired singer.

Only after he walked back to his studio did he realize that his idol hadn't truly answered his question.

MEETING 3

"If you really don't want him to go, you're going to have to tell him someday."

Yuki sat on the couch with his lover on his lap. Although their relationship still seemed unstable, if you looked closely, it was evident that their love for each other is very strong. Since the first time they met, in the park, both men have changed for the better.

Tonight, the blond had even offered to listen to Shuichi's problems.

"But, Yuki! He's _Sakuma-san!"_

"Don't tell me you're still afraid to talk to him."

"No, I just…" Shuichi trailed off, sulking.

"Don't worry, Shu," Yuki murmured. "It'll be fine."

"Ne, Yuki's being nice to me…"

"Hn."

Yuki was right. Shuichi knew it. He was going to have to face Ryuichi if he wanted him to stay.

As soon as K let them leave, Shuichi was out the door. He fervently prayed that Nittle Grapser, or more specifically, _Ryuichi Sakuma_, was still in the building. As luck would have it, the man he was looking for was just about to leave.

"Sakuma-san!"

"Shuichi?"

Warning bells went off in Shuichi's head. One, the famous singer wasn't carrying Kumagoro. Two, he said "Shuichi" instead of "Shu-chan". Three, he wore a serious expression. He realized that it wasn't a good time to confront his idol, but knew it was already too late to back out.

Similarly, Ryuichi bit his lip just in time to keep from swearing. The pink ball of fluff was the last person he wanted to see. He was leaving for America in the morning, and was hoping that he wouldn't have to talk to Bad Luck's lead singer. It would've been less painful.

"S-sakuma-san. We need to talk." Shuichi's shaky voice scared even himself.

Ryuichi hesitated. "Okay. But not here."

Shuichi nodded, and Ryuichi led the way up the stairs, to the roof. Doubts filled both of their heads, and the climb became more tedious than the latter had intended it to be. After what seemed like a lifetime to both of them, they finally reached the NG building's roof. Ryuichi turned around, expectant.

Blue eyes pierced into violet, and for a moment, the tension grew thicker.

"Why are you leaving Japan?"

"Didn't you ask me that already?"

"You avoided answering the question."

Ryuichi narrowed his eyes. _This is not good._

"Well, why do you need to know?"

"Why _can't_ I know?"

Panic, doubt and _fear_ rose up inside of the brown-haired star's body.

"You just can't."

Shuichi, persistent as he was, pressed on.

"_Why?_ Sakuma-san, I want to know! I _need_ to know!"

Ryuichi hesitated once more. The decision he was about to make would change both their lives, for better or worse. But he couldn't hold back anymore, especially when Shuichi pleaded with that beautiful voice.

"Fine."

He stepped forward, closing the gap between them and backing Shuichi into the wall.

"You want to know why I have to leave Japan?"

With every word, he moved closer and closer to Shuichi, whispering into the latter's ear.

"I'll show you."

Blue met violet for a second time, this time, holding a question. _Is it okay? Can I really do this?_

Without waiting for an answer, Ryuichi dove down and captured Shuichi's lips in a heated kiss. Months worth of unreturned love poured from Ryuichi, and he deepened the kiss with ferocity.

Shuichi, taken by surprise and still in shock, managed to bring his hands up to his captor's chest. Trying to push him away, he found that he instead was grasping the other's shirt, wanting _more._ He closed his eyes and his mind blanked out, only thinking of Ryuichi, Ryuichi, _Ryuichi_…

But just as soon as the kiss happened, Ryuichi pulled away. His gaze met Shuichi's, pleading for forgiveness.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Then he left. 

"What the hell were you thinking?" demanded K.

He and Ryuichi were sitting on the plane that would take the latter to America. Ryuichi had just finished relaying his account of his and Shuichi's encounter on the roof to K. The gun-toting blond was furiously cleaning his Magnum, which wasn't a good sign. Shell-shocked passengers froze and slowly turned away, praying that he wouldn't aim his anger at them. Ryuichi himself winced, and shrinked back further into his seat.

"I-I'm sorry, K-san! I just…it was…I…" the rock star trailed off, unable to find words to explain his actions.

K sighed, sympathy washing over him. "You have to forget, Ryu. You have to forget about him…"

Suguru frowned, taking in the scene in front of him. Hiro, gently strumming his guitar and Shuichi, leaning against the studio wall. Sheet music decorated the floor, and the whole atmosphere was depressing. He started towards Hiro.

"What did Yuki do now?"

The guitarist looked up, eyes cold. "It wasn't him, for once."

Suguru's expression turned to surprise. "What? Then…"

"Don't ask." His eyes bore into the young keyboardist's.

Gulping, Suguru gave a quick nod and turned around, walking to his keyboard. The practice consisted of Hiro and Suguru working by themselves, while Shuichi sulked in the corner. When it was time to leave, what used to be a pink ball of fluff picked himself up and almost automatically left.

Suguru turned to Hiro. "Go comfort him. I'll clean up. Besides," he added quickly, "we won't get any work done if he's not feeling well."

With a nod, the latter left, catching up with Shuichi.

Ryuichi sat in his hotel room, forlornly looking at Bad Luck's poster. A stab of pain rushed through him, and tears started to form. Lying down on his bed, he clutched the poster to his chest and reminisced.

He had only known Shuichi for a short amount of time, but the pink-haired singer had appealed to him the first time they met. Before he knew it, he had fallen in love with him. Everything that Shuichi did fascinated him – how childlike he could be, yet serious at the proper time; his enormous heart that made room for everyone; his naturally optimistic personality…

Now that he thought about it, falling in love with the cheerful rock star was inevitable. His childlike innocence and surprising kindness made it nearly impossible to hate him. He had so many amazing qualities. And he would never betray a friend…or lover.

But that was the problem. Ryuichi could never take him away from Yuki, whom he loved so much. That's why he couldn't go back. That's why…he had to forget.

Ryuichi stared at the ceiling, still holding the Bad Luck poster to his chest. Closing his eyes, he made his decision. He'd stay out of Shuichi's life as much as possible. It was better that way.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Shuichi looked even worse than he did at the studio. He had bloodshot eyes, and dark circles under them. His hair was disheveled and his personality had done a complete 180°. Hiro had never seen his best friend look so…depressed. And for once, he didn't know what to do.

"Shu…it'll be all right…"

"No, it won't!" A fire ignited in those almost lifeless eyes. Then, just as quickly as it appeared, they were replaced with the cold, frozen ones again. "You don't understand, Hiro… No one does."

Shuichi whirled around, leaving his best friend dumbfounded, staring at his retreating back. 

Yuki stood in the doorway of his bedroom, observing Shuichi's feeble frame. A frown plastered itself on his face, and he put down the tray he was carrying on the nightstand as he walked towards the bed.

"What's wrong, Shu?"

He half-expected his lover to jump up and tackle him, happily chirping "Oh, Yuki! You didn't call me 'brat'!" But he didn't do anything.

A hint of worry appeared in the author's eyes, and he sat down on the bed, pulling his lover into an embrace. Without a word, the pink-haired singer wrapped his arms around Yuki and buried his face into the latter's chest. Soon, Yuki realized that Shuichi was crying, his labored breathing giving it away. He held the singer tighter.

"Yuki…I don't know how to feel anymore…"

"…What do you mean, Shu?"

The smaller man looked at his lover, eyes watering. He opened his mouth slowly, and before he knew it, he had confessed to Yuki what had happened on the roof of the NG building.

"I'm sorry, Yuki…I'm so sorry…"

Said blond stared at Shuichi in disbelief, taking in his admission. Then his expression softened and he pulled his lover close again, kissing his forehead.

"It's okay, Shu…"

Shuichi gradually recovered, and after a few months he was back to his usual self – cheerful and optimistic. However, he never forgot about Ryuichi. The rock legend always lingered at the back of his mind, and the question of what that kiss meant kept nagging at him.

Long after Bad Luck retired, Shuichi found a letter addressed to him under his door. The paper was riddled with age, and when he saw the handwriting, his heart jumped.

_My dear Shuichi,_

_If you're reading this letter, then it must mean that I'm dead. I'm sorry for not writing sooner. I knew that if I did, it would put you in a slump. And we don't want that, right? But, Shu, I want you to know that everything in this letter is true. Make sure you understand that, okay?_

_I don't know when I first fell in love with you. I just know that, after I realized it, I couldn't stop. It had gotten to the point where it was extremely hard to control myself around you. But if I did anything, it would ruin your relationship with Yuki-san, and I didn't want to do that. So I had to leave Japan._

_It killed me, Shu, it really did. It felt like my heart was ripped out. I tried to move on…but I couldn't. You know, I never forgot about you. You're an amazing person. Don't forget that. Yuki-san is really lucky to have you._

_I love you, Shu. I always will._

_Ryuichi Sakuma_


End file.
